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Merlin
Episode 2
Valiant
US Air Date:  June 21, 2009




In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy...

I really hope you like that phrase, because if you don't, it's going to be a long season.  Also, Merlin isn't a young boy.  Or maybe I'm biased by my desire not to be a gross pervy old lady?  Too late, self.

We open on a fire in a trash can.  Will Mallor wanders through a dark marketplace-looking area while ominous music strums.  It is...an evil marketplace.  You can tell because there's a bald man smiling creepily at Will Mallor, and Will Mallor manages to make the phrase "I hear you have a shield for me" sound like "I hear you have a dead hooker for me."

But no, it's really a shield, with snakes painted on it.  I don't want to be unkind, but it's a bit sad-looking.  Actually it looks like a kindergarten project, without the fun glitter.  For some reason, Bald Shield Guy is all eager to show Will Mallor what the shield can do without getting his money first.  Will Mallor is all, "Um, so they'll do anything I say, right?" and Bald Shield Guy is like, "Yep, anything you say.  Like even if you told them to kill me, they'd do it!"  Tch, tch.  Good for Will Mallor, weeding out the stupid ones.

A guy in a helmet who is totally Will Mallor and not a stunt person rides on a black horse into Camelot, and puts his name down as "Knight Valiant of the Western Isles" for the tournament.  Is this part of Uther's Let's Celebrate How Awesome I Am festivities?  And which western isles, exactly?  And why is Knight Valiant an asshole?  And why doesn't he look like this?





Hmm.

When we return from the opening credits, Merlin is training with Arthur and looking absolutely darling doing it.  They're playing a game I used to play with my little brothers, called "I'm bigger than you and therefore I get to hit you with things until you fall over."  Except I understood even then that hitting my opponent across the bottom was probably not on.  Arthur appears not to have gotten that message. 

Eventually Merlin does topple over, and makes a really bizarre gurgling noise as Arthur, looking pleased, says most servants collapse after the first blow.  You're absolutely right, Arthur, it's going to take many more blows for you to really take him down. 

Afterward, Merlin stumbles into Gaius's chambers, looking like he's wearing aluminum foil.  For shame, BBC.  You can't squeeze a few extra pennies from the Doctor Who set to help clothe poor little Merlin?  Gaius continues to be creepy and overly-familiar with Merlin's body by pushing him down in a chair and starting to manhandle his arms and his back.  He also prattles on about how everybody has his or her duties, and Arthur isn't excused just because he's a prince.  It's just his duties are hot, that's all.  Merlin's like, "Yeah, it must be soooo tough getting all those...girls, and things."  This statement could be taken two ways:  one, Merlin would like to be getting these girls who throw themselves at Arthur; two, Merlin would like to be one of those girls throwing themselves at Arthur.  Considering how he acts toward Arthur the rest of the episode, I'm going to stick with the latter interpretation.

Next scene.  Sweet little Gwen helps Merlin figure out how to put on all the armor.  I've revised my opinion on Bradley James's general buffness due to this scene, because that armor even makes Colin Morgan look like he's got big powerful arms and he's a noodle.  Sorry, Bradley.  You're still hot, I swear.  Call me!


screencap originally by emma-jane

During this exchange we learn that Gwen is the blacksmith's daughter.  I thought ladies-in-waiting were generally high-born women as well.  Is Morgana the only noblewoman in Camelot?  I mean, I know Camelot's all about the beefcake, but surely some of the knights are married and/or have children?

Anyway.  The next scene is one of my absolute favorites:  Merlin puts Arthur's armor on for the first time.  It's painfully slow.

Arthur:  I'm extremely uncomfortable with having you touching me, so I'm just going to stare straight ahead until it's over with.
Merlin:  *finally puts on all the armor, stands back*  Phwoooargh, the rest of the boys are going to want to just eat you up.
Arthur:  ...
Merlin:  I mean really.  I don't know how I managed it but you look hotter than a hot thing.
Arthur:  Would you please.  Get.  My.  Sword.
Merlin:  In public?  Well, all right then.
Arthur:  NOT THAT, MY OTHER SWORD.
Merlin:  Ahahaha right, yes yes of course.



screencap originally by emma-jane

The knights walk onto the field, surrounded by people who are clapping because the slaughtering is about to start, YAY!  One of the knights looks suspiciously like Bald Shield Guy, who is supposed to be dead by CGI snakes.  Sometimes this show really does make me think there are only twenty people in the entire UK.

Uther comes out to greet the knights, pointing out that they'll be fighting over the next three days to show how brave and cool they are.  He also tells them they'll be fighting the reigning champion, his son.  Valiant looks back at him like, "Well hello gorgeous," and Arthur's like, "I am, aren't I."

Morgana and Gwen clap from the audience.  Morgana is wearing this giant fur-thing, while poor Gwen gets to make do with just her regular clothes, similar to Merlin whose shirts are mostly falling off of his shoulders.  At least Gwen and Morgana both are wearing wrist warmers made by Ye Olde Target.

Uther tells Arthur, "I trust you will make me proud," while Arthur looks...constipated?  Yeah, I don't know.  I thought Arthur quite enjoyed physical exertion and combat.  I feel like he's one of those awful people who's up at three in the morning going for a run and telling you how delicious his soy and wheat grass smoothie is, but this episode makes it seem like he's only doing it because daddy said so.  

This first fight is very interesting.  Not because Arthur's a good swordsman-- we already knew or suspected that-- but because Merlin, standing on the sidelines, is one pair of hotpants away from rushing onto the field for a half-time show.  Valiant wins his first fight as well, of course, but after that we get a montage.  Let's see, there's some dude in ninja gear and two swords.  He gets dispatched quickly because apparently two swords don't equal fighting skills, while a couple of other knights get a beat-down.  They're faceless because it's probably just the same guy fighting over and over again.

After the fights are over for the day, Merlin's waving Arthur with palm fronds or whatever when Valiant comes by to congratulate Arthur on his performance. 

Valiant:  Good job.
Arthur:  You too, or whatever.
Merlin:  Rowr.  Hiss, hiss.
Arthur:  Simmer down, bb.  And go sharpen my sword.
Merlin:  ...
Arthur:  Still talking about the other one.
Merlin:  *sigh*

In the next scene, Merlin is chilling on the bed reading his magic book while Arthur's stuff is cleaned by magic.  It's cheesy but very cute.  Let it be known, however, that Mr. Boyfriend proclaimed it "More of that Bewitched shit."  Gaius walks in and all the stuff falls to the floor, and despite the fact that Gaius totally busts him, Merlin is like *phew*  So sweet, that one, but not one of your great thinkers.

Later that evening, all the knights are apparently lined up to greet Uther's court.  Arthur gets stuck greeting people as well, which means he gets to watch while his father congratulates Valiant on being the son he never had a really great fighter.  Then Valiant gets all up in Morgana's business, which Arthur doesn't like at all. 

Arthur:  Excuse me sir, but that is my toy.
Valiant:  You're not playing with it.
Arthur:  But it's my toy.
Valiant:  You don't even like it.  You're playing with that one over there.
Arthur:  MY TOY MY TOY MY TOY
Valiant:  Jesus, all right.  I'll go take that one then.
Arthur:  NO THAT'S MY TOY TOO.  YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THEM.


Arthur is a bit douchey to Morgana, who asks him if he's jealous.  He says he doesn't see anything to be jealous about and swoops past her with his cape all fluffed out.  Morgana turns into Chandler Bing and asks Gwen if Arthur could be any more obnoxious.

Next scene.  Merlin is poking around in the armory when, for some reason, Valiant's shield starts hissing at him.  I have yet to figure out why it would expose itself that way, but maybe we can just put it down to Merlin's magic?  He reaches out to touch the shield, perhaps wondering why Valiant commissioned a toddler to paint it, when Valiant comes in and points his sword at Merlin.  He, like Arthur, is not talking about that sort of sword.  These knights are too literal-minded.  Merlin says he's come in for his master's armor and scarpers before Valiant thinks about his other sword. 

I think this is the only time in the series that Merlin actually refers to Arthur as his master.  That's something I think is really well-done with Merlin-- he's perfectly willing to do what Arthur says, but he's not subservient.  You get the sense that he's only going along with this servant lark because he quite likes Camelot, and later Arthur.

Second favorite scene!  Merlin has Arthur's armor laid out all neat and shiny.  Arthur comes in and makes skeptical faces.  Merlin gets him into his armor without any mistakes, and Arthur is reluctantly impressed.  Bradley James sounds like he's got a cold in this scene, while Colin Morgan does this thing where he pats each piece of armor when he's done fastening it.  How can you not think the Merlin actors are 100% adorable?

Arthur walks onto the tournament field and everybody cheers, while Merlin again watches from the sidelines with hearts in his eyes. 

Gaius:  Is it just me or are you beginning to like Arthur?
Merlin:  Against all common sense, I do appear to have the hots for him.
Gaius:  Well, who wouldn't.  I mean, look at his arse.
Merlin:  I KNOW RIGHT.  If being gay magic is unnatural, fate wouldn't have put me with Arthur.
Arthur:  *clangy clang clang swishy clang*
Merlin:  ♥ ♥

More fighting.  Valiant's shield finally comes in handy when he's fighting somebody who appears to be as good as he is.  He knocks the other knight down and tells the shield "Strike him."  One of the snakes bites the other knight, and Valiant wins.  Merlin, aka Captain Obvious, looks at the knight sprawled out on the field and says, "I think he's badly hurt."

Later, the knight is in Gaius's chambers and Gaius points out the weirdness of his having a snakebite on his neck.  The lightbulb over Merlin's head is very slow but eventually does turn on.  He goes off to spy on Valiant while Valiant feeds mice to the snakes in his shield, and when he sees it he freaks out and makes all kinds of noise running away.  Back when I was watching Stargate Atlantis, I used to rag on John Sheppard for having absolutely no self-protection skills whatsoever ("like a clownfish" was the term, I believe), but Merlin really takes the cake.

Merlin runs to Gaius, who quite sensibly tells him he needs a bit of proof before anybody's going to believe him.  Where has Merlin been living all his life?  The Land of Make-Believe Where Dickhole Kings Listen to Servants?  Merlin is like, "BUT I AM A HUMAN BEING AND HE SHOULD LISTEN TO MEEEEEE," and storms off in a huff. 

The next day at the tournament, Gaius kindly asks Merlin how he's getting on, and Merlin gets snotty.  "I'm fine.  Doing my job.  Minding my own business."  I'm so glad I'm not a teenager anymore.  That shit was annoying even then.  Gaius does not tell him to shut up, which is what I would have done.

More fighting.  Arthur wins, and is awesome.  Valiant wins, and his opponent is carried off the field.  It's just Valiant and Arthur left, and of course NOW Gaius is worried.  Gaius admits that Merlin is right about not letting Valiant get away with his trickery, and urges him to find some way of exposing Valiant.  Gosh, Merlin, I don't know.  Maybe if you had some sort of...proof?  Like proof you could hold in your hand?  Like maybe something that...I don't know, comes out of the shield? 

While the knights dine with Uther, Merlin checks in to make sure Valiant is there and then runs off.  Meanwhile, Uther tells Valiant he should stay in Camelot after the tournament because he could use knights like him.  Well, your judgment so far has been flawless, Uther.  Arthur's face is a priceless struggle between maturity and DADDY NO.

Merlin breaks into Valiant's room and has a little tête-à-tête with the shield, which declines to hiss or do anything interesting until a noise makes Merlin turn around to investigate.  Merlin sees the shadow of the snake behind him and whips around, handily beheading it.  Look at Merlin with the sword skills!  Although I did have a bit of a giggle at the fact that the snake rattled without a rattle.  Merlin grabs the head and runs, while Mr. Paranoid stops by for his hourly checkup.

When we return from commercial, Gaius is squeezing venom from the snake's head into a jar.  It's actually pretty cool-looking, if you're not a person who's freaked out about snakes.  Merlin grabs the snake head and goes to tell Arthur.  And, okay, this is actually my favorite scene, which can be recapped thusly:

Merlin:  Look!  Snakey!
Arthur:  Are you sure?
Merlin:  Uh-huh.
Arthur:  I mean really really sure?
Merlin:  Uh-huh.
Arthur:  Okay then, I believe you.
Merlin's eyes:  I LOVE YOU.

Plus, Arthur is just unreasonably hot in this scene.  It's the shirt, I think-- sleeves pushed up, white shirt underneath.  I am dead from hot.  One of the snakes has apparently escaped from Valiant's shield and is watching them be adorable from the rafters.

Ugh.  UGH.  I almost can't recap the next scene.  I actually skipped it the first time I watched this episode because of a horrible embarrassment squick.  So let's just get this done quickly.  Arthur has basically the whole court as his audience when he accuses Valiant of sorcery.  Sir Ewan wakes up only long enough to tell Gaius that he got bitten, and then when Gaius leaves the room the roving snake kills Ewan.  However, this means that Gaius had the word of the now-dead Ewan that something hinky was going down.  Meanwhile, Arthur is prattling away and waiting for proof from Ewan.  Gaius comes in and tells Merlin that Ewan is dead, and therefore...they have no proof?  Merlin tries to tell Uther that he saw it with his own eyes, but Uther is all "Who is this who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?"  Arthur is publicly shamed, Merlin is almost thrown in jail again but for Valiant, who pretends to be gracious, and everybody thinks Arthur is afraid to fight Valiant.  I uncover my ears and stop going LALALALALA.

Okay, this is such a sparkly show that I usually gloss over plot holes, but I have to have a time out here.  Where is the snake head?  Why doesn't Gaius say anything?  I know he's technically "just a servant" as well and his word wouldn't do much against a knight's, but he's the court physician.  He could have said something about the bites, about Ewan waking up and saying he'd been bitten.  From what we learn of Gaius later, this isn't out of character, but for this episode it's a huge plot hole.

ANYWAY.  Game on.  Okay, wait, not quite, because when we come back from commercial Arthur is yelling at Merlin for allowing him to be disgraced in front of the entire court.  Oh, bb.  I feel for you and your daddy issues, I really do.  He tells Merlin, quite politely for Arthur anyway, that he "no longer requires [his] services."  Oh, I'll just bet you don't.  Merlin's like "WOT?!  I never even got to see you naked!" but Arthur is implacable.  Merlin leaves, a tear in his eye as he realizes he'll never have a chance to draw the Royal Bath.  Right there with you, kiddo.

Merlin goes to the Dragon's chambers for a little Ann Landers time.

"Dear Dragon, boyfriend boss and I had v.v. bad fight about trust the other day.  Pretty sure he hates me.  How can I get him to love me trust me again?"

The Dragon is nowhere to be found.  This makes Merlin very flaily, as is evidenced by Colin Morgan's take on his next line:  "Ye've got the wrong parson!"  Aww.  I love the fact that when Merlin gets upset he's suddenly Irish.  Merlin does that thing that parents of little kids do when they won't come with them:  "Okay, goodbye!  I'm going without you now!  Bye!  Look at me walking away!"  I was one of those kids who was dead convinced my parents were going to leave me on the side of a road, so it always worked on me.  Apparently the Dragon was one of those kids too, because he swoops in to talk Merlin down from the ledge.

Dragon:  Excuse me, I believe I have already informed you that the equation here is Merlin + Arthur= Kissing in a Tree.
Merlin:  Please stop talking in riddles.  I'm already heartbroken because I squandered my one chance to see Arthur's arse.
Dragon:  That your and Arthur's path lies together is but the truth.    <---- Actual dialogue
Merlin:  *chin wobble*  JUST TELL ME IF I GET TO SHAG HIM OKAY.
Dragon:  Bored now.

Next scene.  Gwen finds Merlin curled in a forlorn little ball on the steps.  Heroically, she refrains from smooshing him, and instead tries to offer her advice.  Merlin's like, "Woe, tragedy, why won't he LOVE ME?" and Gwen's like, "Yeah, I know the feeling.  Have I mentioned I hate Arthur?"  But Merlin's not even listening to Gwen, because he notices the stone dog next to one of the doors and it gives him an idea.  He asks Gwen if she has a wheelbarrow, like, of course she does, Merlin!  Every blacksmith's daughter has a wheelbarrow stashed away somewhere!

Cut to Merlin wheeling the dog into his room.  He pulls out his magic book and finds a spell to animate inanimate objects, and starts in on the dog.  It sounds like he's saying "Bobae odothae arisand quickem."

Meanwhile, Morgana's having a dream about Arthur getting his ass kicked.  Instead of rejoicing, she seems kind of upset.  Aw, she really is kind of fond of him.  She gets up and watches Arthur practicing out her window.

Merlin is still trying the spell on the dog, and he does what is quite possibly the most adorable thing in this episode:  he says the spell very quietly to the dog, then looks away for a split second, then looks back as if he might catch the dog moving.  Eventually he gets bored and goes to talk to Arthur, who is busy looking hot next to his fireplace.  Merlin tries one more time to get Arthur to drop out of the tournament, but despite the fact that Arthur actually still believes Merlin was telling the truth about the shield, his duty is to be brave and heroic and wonderful even when it means he's going to get a snake bite. 

Okay, time out from the sparklies again.  I can't imagine that Uther would be too terribly happy if his own son actually died in this tournament.  The snakes bite a person, but it takes a while to kill them, and Gaius has the remedy already.  So...if Arthur gets bitten, Valiant is seriously going to kill him?  And then he's going to stay in Uther's court?  Or, alternately, Arthur will get snake-bitten and then Gaius will save him?  LOGIC FAIL.

La, back to the sparkly show.  The next morning, the stupid rooster is crowing again as Merlin sleepily tries the spell on the dog.  Arthur is in his room with another servant putting on his armor (what?!  That tramp!) when Morgana comes in to...tighten a single strap on his shoulder and call it good?  She's all, "I used to help my father with his armor."  And what a good job you did, Morgana!  She waits until he's almost out of the room before doing the "And Arthur?"  "Yes?"  "Be careful" bit, which is such an underused trope nowadays, don't you think? 

Arthur walks onto the field in slow motion so we can all admire how muscley and perfect he is.  Let's stop for a moment and do that. 

...

Okay, it's worth noting that, when he's not going in slow motion, Bradley James actually kind of bounces when he walks.  Yeah, even with all that armor on.  It's Colin Morgan levels of adorable, but not very knightly.

Merlin is still trying the spell on the stone dog.  He's suddenly saying "quicken" instead of "quickem."  It would be cool if he did that on purpose.  At any rate, the dog is suddenly alive, and Merlin is all YAY until it starts to attack him and he flees.  Poor Colin Morgan was not quite so lucky and the dog bit him and he had to go to the hospital.  As with the tomatoes, I'm trying to imagine Colin explaining this to the directors.

Colin:  *mumble mumble a bit bitey mumble*
Johnny Capps:  Sorry, mate, it sounds like you've got marbles in your mouth.
Colin:  *mumble mumble bleeding mumble*
Johnny Capps:  No need to swear.  Oi, somebody translate.
Bradley:  Says he's been dog-bit and might need to go to hospital.
Colin:  *mumble*
Bradley:  Please.

Such are the things that run through my mind while I'm in Shakespeare class.  But I digress.  Merlin runs onto the field to watch the remainder of Valiant's and Arthur's fight.  Uther actually looks worried for a moment, but then he might just be pissed that the 1000 gold pieces won't go right back into Camelot's coffers.

Valiant's helmet falls off, so Arthur courteously removes his as well, all SEE DADDY, I AM SO KNIGHTLY.  So much the better for us, as we get to watch sweaty Arthur for the rest of the tournament.  WIN.

Valiant actually looks like he's about to win the match fairly, so Merlin casts a spell on the shield to make the snakes appear.  Nobody messes with his man, yo.  Arthur appears to have lost his sword somewhere, so Morgana steals the nearest one and tosses it to Arthur, who decapitates the snakes in one fell swoop, then kills Valiant.  The crowd is just on its feet here, he's a Cinderella boy.  Arthur wanders off the field, smacking Merlin's shoulder on his way past in the age-old mating ritual we call pigtail-pulling.

Later, Uther introduces Arthur at a feast.  Arthur gets to accompany Morgana, and they're very nice to each other for about five seconds.  Then Morgana tells him it was quite lucky she saved him at the last second, and Arthur is a prat.  A big, blond, hot prat.  Morgana says she wishes Valiant really were there, and Arthur agrees, as then he wouldn't have to listen to Morgana.




Merlin:  See.  Told you he gets all the girls.
Gaius:  And he owes it all to you.
Merlin:  *suddenly also wishes Valiant were there*

Arthur goes over to Merlin to complain about the AUDACITY of SOME people.  But he shows that he's capable of not being a prat by sweetly apologizing to Merlin for sacking him. 

Merlin:  Don't worry about it.  Take me out on a date  Buy me a drink, we'll call it even.  <---- Actual dialogue

Arthur rehires him, and Merlin is all happy and dimply until Arthur starts listing off all the things that need to be done.  And he still doesn't mean that sword, so stop pouting, Merlin.

Next week:  NBC weirdly smushes together episodes 3 and 4, so it looks like Merlin's getting poisoned by the same thing that's killed all the villagers.  I think NBC saw "The Poisoned Chalice" and said "OH MY GOD WE CAN'T SHOW SOMETHING THIS GAY ON FAMILY NIGHT," so they're pretending it doesn't exist.