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Merlin
Episode 1
The Dragon's Call
US Air Date:  June 21, 2009




We begin with a shot of a dark-haired young man bebopping along with a giant Eddie Bauer totally medieval bag on his back.  He's wandering through the Alps or some shit, confusing people like me who fail at geography and wonder why there are so many mountains in England.  At any rate, within a few seconds he wanders through some brush and voilà, there's Pierrefonds!  I mean Camelot!  With all its flags waving in the right direction thanks to CGI!

John Hurt is busy telling us that no young man can know his destiny, and that this boy in particular is going to "father" a legend.

Armchair Arthurian Scholar, aka Mr. Boyfriend:  Isn't he supposed to be living backward?  So he would know his own destiny, wouldn't he?
Melissa:  *checks watch*  Less than ten seconds in.  That's impressive.


Credits.  DOOO DOO, DO DOODOODOO, DOODEEDOODEEDOO!

EEEK NO COMMERCIAL BREAK.  Mr. Boyfriend and I are just serving dinner and he misses Merlin wandering through the bustling metropolis that is Camelot.  This is one of those scenes where Colin Morgan looks really funny, versus the ones where he looks so gorgeous I want to just NOM on his lower lip.  

OMINOUS DRUMS AND GARGOYLES WOOOEEER.  Merlin, in his infinite wisdom, has managed to blunder in on a public execution in the courtyard.  He's all smiley and happy and then WHOOPS BEHEADING.  Rupert Giles, or "Uther Pendragon" as he's calling himself nowadays, babbles on about how magic is evil and magicy enchantments magicness evil.  This is apparently news to Merlin, whose face is a blinking neon sign of guilt.



original cap by emma-jane

So the executioner chops the guy's head off with a grody splat, Merlin wets himself, and Uther discusses how chaotic the kingdom was before he took charge and banned magic.  To celebrate 20 years of his awesomeness, there will be feasts.  All of a sudden this crazy scream goes up and everybody turns to look at the killjoy who just spoilt the King's self-back-patting.  It's an old woman, who tells Uther that the guy whose head is currently hanging out in a basket is her son.  Soooo...let's get this straight.  You're a witch and your son's about to be executed.  So you decide you can be a few minutes late?  It's one of those things you might want to set your alarm for, is all I'm saying.

Anyway, she tells Uther that by the time the celebration is done he'll know her pain.  An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a medieval non-Christian kingdom for a handy Biblical phrase.  Uther tells people to seize her, but hello, she's a witch.  She goes up in a POOF and I wonder again why her son couldn't have done the same.

But WHATEVER, let's get back to the squee.  Sidenote:  the Evil Grippy Witch is Eve Myles under all that makeup.

Mr. Boyfriend and Me:  YAY IT'S GWEN FROM TORCHWOOD YAY
The rest of fandom:  SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER, SHUN, SHUN.

So Merlin's like, "...anyway..." and continues on his merry way to find Gaius, the court physician.  He asks some guards and they point to the door that is literally right between them.  Merlin goes up some stairs and sees a sign that says COURT PHYSICIAN.  Yes, thanks, we wouldn't have gotten that point what with Merlin asking where the court physician was and everything.

Merlin enters into Ye Olde Steryotypickal Physician's Chambers, where there are things bubbling and random herbs and spices everywhere and an old man looking at a book.  The old man doesn't hear him until Merlin shouts, and then he's so scared he falls backward through the railing, which is made of, like, papier-mâché or something.  If your furnishings disintegrate when you touch them, it might be time for a new castle. 

Merlin's eyes go gold and he slows time down so he can magic a bed underneath Gaius to break his fall.  For Merlin is magic, you see.  Yes, it is a great surprise to us all.

Mr. Boyfriend:  That's some Bewitched shit up in hurrr.
Melissa:  Yeah.  These first couple of episodes are kind of Samantha in Camelot.  Sorry.

Merlin and Gaius have a conversation that goes like this:

Gaius:  MAGIC.
Merlin:  NO WAY.
Gaius:  MAGIC.
Merlin:  NOT ME I SWEAR.
Gaius:  MAGIC.
Merlin:  NUH-UH.
Gaius:  WHO TAUGHT YOU TO BE GAY DO MAGIC?
Merlin:  I AM NOT GAY MAGIC.
Gaius:  DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU ARE TOO GAY MAGIC.  DID YOU WATCH TELETUBBIES AS A CHILD OR SOMETHING?
Merlin:  I WAS BORN LIKE THIS.
Gaius:  NONSENSE.  NOBODY'S BORN LIKE THAT.  IT'S A CHOICE.

Gaius finally asks Merlin who he is, and it's time for some exposition in the form of Merlin's mum, Hunith.  She writes Gaius a nice long letter about how Merlin is dangerously special and needs somebody to nurture his dangerous specialness, which makes it clear that magic has been banned from pretty much everywhere.  I don't know why Merlin looked so surprised at the anti-magic decree earlier then-- it would appear that he got kicked out of his hometown for being different.  So Merlin's mum is one of those parents who's like "I just know little Stinky is a genius!  His teachers just don't understand him.  He set the turtles on fire with love!"  

There's a bit where Merlin's looking out the window at the CGI village, and he's all wondrous and whatever.  The prettiest thing in the scene is obviously Colin Morgan, who looks really nice in teal even with the silly neckerchief.  That reminds me-- who thought of the neckerchief?  I mean it obviously distinguishes him and makes him look like a country bumpkin, which is a good effect.  But neckerchiefs were, I imagine, a bit of a fashion faux pas even then.  Unless he's wearing it like one of those LA club kids who pair it with a t-shirt and big sunglasses.  In which case, no wonder the citizens of Ealdor kicked his ass out.

But I digress.  Now we get to meet the dark-haired young woman who was watching the beheading earlier.  It's dark out now, so apparently she's been standing there looking at the executioner's block for a long time.  I mean, I understand it's Morgana and she's got some issues with stability, but we're not supposed to know that yet, show!  Uther enters the room and Morgana provides an excuse for Uther to show himself as the dictatorial bastard he is.  We learn that Uther is her guardian, giving a limp sort of wave to the legends where Morgana and Arthur are half-siblings.   

Morgana:  That par mother.
Uther:  You're so beautiful that one quickly forgets that you have an inexplicably Irish accent.

NEXT SCENE.  We're in the woods, where Eve Myles is playing Lady Helen, the singer who is supposed to be performing for the Camelot court in honor of Uther's 20 Years of Awesomeness.  Evil Witch Eve Myles comes into her tent, ready to cut a bitch.  She kills Lady Helen and transforms into her.  In the mirror we see that she still appears as her old haggy self.

Mr. Boyfriend:  And then she goes to have sex with Uther, right?
Melissa:  What?
Mr. Boyfriend:  She goes and Merlin helps her to have sex with Uther.
Melissa:  You're assuming Arthur hasn't been born  yet.
Mr. Boyfriend:  Wait, Arthur's already been born?  I'm so confused.  Where's Sir Kay?
Melissa:  Ahahahahaha, Sir Kay.  Oh bb, wait until we get to Mordred.


After the commercial break, there's an extreeeeeme closeup of Merlin's eye as John Hurt calls his name.  He wakes up and wanders out into the dining area, where Gaius says the following:  "I got you some water.  You didn't wash last night."  Merlin's face registers the total WTFness of this statement, and thus begins a long tradition of Gaius doing and saying inappropriately personal things to and about both Merlin and Arthur.

He deliberately knocks over the water and Merlin pauses time, then realizes what he's doing and releases the bucket so it splashes everywhere.  Yes, we get it, Merlin can do magic without saying anything.  Gaius decides to keep him out of trouble by sending him off to give potions to the sick people. 

He doesn't, however, give Merlin any information about the rest of the castle.  Like, say, the fact that there's this good-looking blond guy who's kind of a douchebag and you might feel inclined to interfere when he's throwing knives at a servant but that's a really really bad idea?  Oh, Merlin.  He just doesn't understand this whole serfdom thing.  Or this whole size thing.  Watching Merlin go toe-to-toe with Arthur is like watching a shivering chihuahua arfing at a Great Dane.  Not in terms of height, because actually Colin Morgan is taller than Bradley James, but Arthur is both muscley and wearing armor, while Merlin is...not.

Merlin:  I could so kick your ass, you completely...gorgeous...blue-eyed...
Arthur:  You could WOT NOW?
Merlin:  I could...I mean...seriously, are those contacts?
Arthur:  I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WALK ON YOUR KNEES AND THAT IS IN NO WAY HOMOEROTIC.
Merlin:  *punches like a baby orangutan*
Arthur:  *pins Merlin's arm behind his back and it is also not homoerotic*
Merlin:  Oh, I quite like this position actually.
Arthur:  PUT HIM IN JAIL PLEASE.



original cap by emma-jane


Next scene.  Evil Witch Lady Helen arrives, and she crosses the giant throne room in her purple dress.  I can't help but remember the commentary where they talked about Eve Myles tripping and falling over her dress for take after take while she tried in vain to cross that miles-long throne room. 

We return from commercial to Merlin sleeping in his cell, woken by John Hurt again.  He doesn't do the sensible thing and decide that he's hearing things and ignore it, but instead bends down to listen to the floor, putting his arse way in the air.  To show how mature I am, I'm not even going to make a joke about it.  Of course, as it's the most inappropriate time Gaius could come along, he does.  He's gotten Merlin out of the cell, but unfortunately that means he's in the stocks.  At first there are people throwing valuable produce at him, but they leave when a young girl in servant's garb (based on somebody's whacked-out interpretation of "handmaiden's dress") comes along.

Oh, god, some of this dialogue is so awkward.  I'd forgotten that, since I only saw it once.

Gwen:  Hi, I'm Guinevere.  Most people call me Gwen.
Melissa:  Oh, come on.  Is this an Arthurian fanfic written by a 12-year-old?  "Golly gee, Merlin!  I'm Guinevere and my audience is stupid so I have to introduce myself in an entirely unnatural way!"

But the rest of the scene is adorable, in that Gwen manages to insult Merlin's manly dignity (although surely he realizes he's not, in fact, all muscley like other fellows?) and he lets her hang herself with that rope for a while.  Then the kids come back for a second round of throwing vegetables at his head, and I laugh and laugh trying to imagine poor polite, incoherent Colin Morgan attempting to tell the directors he's allergic to tomatoes.  Merlin shoos Gwen away.

Merlin:  Sorry Gwen.  It's starting to look like you've got a crush on me already, and my type is more blond and penis-y.
Gwen:  Dude, I hate Arthur.


After the stocks, Gaius and Merlin have yet another discussion about how special Merlin is because he can do wandless magic doesn't use spells.  Gaius says Merlin is a "question that has never been posed."  Like "Why wear a neckerchief?"  Or "What would the spawn of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Cillian Murphy look like if he were actually normal-sized and got his hair cut by his palsy-ridden great-grandmother?"

Anyway.  We learn that Uther killed all the dragons in the kingdom as well, except for one he keeps under the castle.  Gosh, I wonder if that has any connection to the plot.  But enough of that explanation stuff!  Gaius sends Merlin off to give Lady Helen a potion for her throat.  Merlin of course enters the room although he hasn't been told to, and finds both the stabby doll Evil Witch used to kill Lady Helen earlier, and a book of spells.  HMMM.  I WONDER IF SOMETHING IS GOING ON.  He's interrupted in his snooping by Evil Witch Lady Helen, and scampers off when he realizes she's about to make him explode with her brain.

I do wonder about that scene.  Mr. Boyfriend thinks Merlin could actually see Lady Helen for who she really was.  I don't.  But I do think he thought she was another sorcerer trying not to get herself killed, so he didn't tell anybody about her spell book.  Kind of him really.  I do appreciate how Merlin at least attempts to be nice to the other sorcerers until they fuck with Arthur.

But back to the story.  Not content to stay out of trouble with Lady Helen, Merlin circles around the castle until he sees Arthur again encounters Arthur in the marketplace. 

Arthur:  How's your knee-walking coming along?
Merlin:  *swoon*  I mean, who said that?  I'm ignoring you.
Arthur:  Don't run away!  I haven't gotten a chance to pin you against anything.
Merlin:  All right, FINE.  God, you're lucky you're really blindingly hot.
Arthur:  I could take you apart with one blow.  <--- ACTUAL DIALOGUE.
Merlin:  I could take you apart with less than that.
Arthur:  ...really?  Er, is there any way we could take this somewhere more pr--
Merlin:  *throws down*
Arthur:  OH.  Right, right.

Merlin uses magic to avoid the spiky ball thing Arthur keeps trying to kill him with, but eventually Arthur grows tired of these shenanigans and dumps Merlin unceremoniously on the floor.  The guards are about to take him away, but Arthur is apparently impressed by people who talk back to him and have such an extensive knowledge of blowjob euphemisms, so he simply says, "There's something about you, Merlin.  I can't quite put my finger on it."

Merlin:  I have some ideas about that, actually.  Also, diagrams.

Gaius yells at Merlin for being an idiot, and Merlin turns into a wobbly-lipped 9-year-old and stomps off to sulk in his room because if he CAN'T DO MAGIC THEN WHAT GOOD IS HIS ENTIRE LIIIIIIFE.  Later, Gaius wakes him up from his post-temper tantrum nap, and tells him to sit up and take his shirt off.  Instead of responding as many a normal person would (by, say, running away shrieking), he complies.  Now, you know I love me some Colin Morgan, but this is another scene where I find him kind of goofy-looking.  Under other circumstances, I'm pretty sure I'd need smelling salts, but here shirtless Colin Morgan leaves me cold.  Gaius gives Merlin, like, five seconds of a back rub and then some pain medication, so you know he just wanted to see Merlin's nipples.  SO DON'T WE ALL GAIUS.

Segue to Evil Witch Lady Helen and Uther, who are eating...strawberries?  LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU ANACHRONISMS.  Evil Witch Lady Helen actually seems to feel a bit sorry for Arthur, who's grown up without a mother.  I think it's safe to say she wouldn't feel sorry if she'd met him.

Back to Merlin's bedroom-- which, by the way, why is Gaius sleeping on the couch and Merlin's got his own room?  He hears John Hurt saying "Meerrrrlin," as per usual, without any other instructions like "Hiiiii come find me under the caaaaasssstle..."  But he does figure it out and goes down to the caves (or Kievs, if you're Colin Morgan) after tricking some extremely stupid guards into following some bouncing dice.  Item:  Merlin apparently sleeps with his trousers on.  Good to know; nightshirts look so silly without something on under them.

Merlin:  Hello?
Dragon:  HAY GURL HAYYYY.
Merlin:  I'm trying to sleep, can you stop bugging me?
Dragon:  Well excuse me for trying to tell you your destiny.
Merlin:  You couldn't just tell me through this magical telepathy we have going on? 
Dragon:  Um.  YOU AND ARTHUR ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
Merlin:  *draws a heart on the ground with his toe*  Do you really think so?  He's-- I mean, NO WOT HE'S STUPID.
Dragon:  Get on with it, Merlin, time's a-wasting.  You and Artie have to "unite Albion," if you know what I mean.
Merlin:  I don't get it.
Dragon:  You + Arthur = Up in tree + K-i-s-s-i-n-g.
Merlin:  Still confused.
Dragon:  Plz to come back when you are less stupid, okay?
Merlin:  WAIT I DON'T GET IT.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Next morning.  A rooster crows and Gaius walks into Merlin's room, disgusted at the mess.  Merlin is just about the cutest thing in the entire universe in this scene, all rumply and sleepy.  Apparently Colin Morgan's fallback when he's given no other stage direction is to purse his lips and shrug in a very French way that tells the world "Je ne comprends pas, mais je suis adorable, non?"

Gaius throws Merlin's trousers at his head-- which means that he DOESN'T sleep with them on after all-- and then tells him he can collect herbs.  Then he throws in a bit of exposition about Morgana needing something for her TOTALLY NON-MAGICAL bad dreams.

There follows a completely awkward scene where Merlin enters Morgana's chambers and she, not even looking at him, thinking he's Gwen, starts talking about Arthur and goes over to begin undressing behind her screen.  It's like Three's Company, only Morgana isn't blonde.  I'd forgotten how bad Katie is in these first two episodes because she was so much better in the last several.  I think a lot of it's due to the dialogue, which makes George Lucas look like Ingmar Bergman.  Katie did say she didn't know until later that they could change a line if they didn't like it, so I'm going to simply put it down to that.

Gwen comes in to take over after Merlin stumbles around a bit being gormless, to my great relief, and we swing over to Evil Witch Lady Helen's room, where a pretty blonde servant is giving Evil Witch Lady Helen a basket of apples from Uther.  Ooooh, Johnny Capps, I see what you did there with the apple/witch juxtaposition.  Yeah, I know there are three other writers, but I like to address things to Johnny Capps because his name makes him sound like a gangster.  Anyway, the servant girl pulls a sheet off the mirror and she sees Evil Witch Lady Helen's true face, so sadly she must die.  Boo, you whore.  I really liked her hair.  And her dress, which is suspiciously normal-looking unlike Gwen's. 

Finally it's the night Lady Helen's supposed to sing for Uther.  Arthur and his wanky little friends are acting like wanky wankers, while Merlin watches with longing disgust.  Morgana enters the room in an anachronism.  Everybody stares and drools.  Mr. Boyfriend and I stare and drool.  Shit, my plants stare and drool.  That dress is hot and so is Katie McGrath. 

Gwen:  She's fine as hell, am I right?
Merlin:  Yeah.  If you like that sort of thing.
Gwen:  Yeah.  *sigh*  Some people are just meant to be Queen.  <--- IRONIC FORESHADOWING
Merlin:  Ooooh, scandalous.  Those two?
Gwen:  I KNOW!  But ewwwww, Arthur, gross.   <--- DITTO
Merlin:  Yeah, it's totally gross how his ass is so perfect like that, and his hair glistens in the sun, and stuff.
Gwen:  What?
Merlin:  What?


Uther introduces Evil Witch Lady Helen, and she starts to sing a very pretty song that also puts everybody to sleep and makes cobwebs appear all over them.  I have got to learn this song.  Merlin, bless his sweet heart, is a bit slow, so when he sees what's happening he claps his hands over his ears.  Sweetie, not only are your hands not big enough for that task, but you might remember that you're magic once in a while.  Anyway, Evil Witch Lady Helen conveniently walks allll the way down the hall to stand directly under the candelabra and practice her knife-throwing skills rather than just going up to Arthur and slitting his throat.  See, this is why the magicians are getting wiped out-- they're not very bright. 

Merlin takes her out with the candelabra and everybody starts to wake up.  But Evil Witch Lady Helen-- now just the Evil Witch again-- takes a cue from every horror movie monster ever and jumps up to throw a knife at Arthur with her dying breath.  Merlin pauses time to pull Arthur out of the way, giving us many delightful screencaps of Merlin apparently coming up behind Arthur all SURPRISE BUTTSEX! 



original cap by emma-jane, original idea from face_of_bradley 


Arthur stares at Merlin in shock while Uther tells Merlin that since he saved Arthur's life, his debt must be repaid.  Merlin's like "Pssh, all in a day's work," but Uther insists.  He will be...Arthur's manservant.

Arthur:  *is apparently embarrassed*  Jeezy-creezy, dad.
Merlin:  HOORAY.

Later, Gaius apparently loses his damn mind and gives Merlin a book of spells for his very own, saying that perhaps saving Arthur is what Merlin's magic is meant for.  Rather than saying, "Um, excuse me, best talent EVAR and you think it's only to save some prat prince's life from the millions besides me who want to kill him?" Merlin just looks sort of resigned and giddy and says, "My density destiny."  AWWW.

Some guy at the door:  HEY MERLIN ARTHUR WANTS YOU.
Merlin:  Too bloody right he does.
Gaius:  Hop to it, son, he's insatiable.
Merlin:  *clicks heels together*

That's it for this episode.  Next up is "Prince Valiant," which somehow got weirdly smushed into "The Dragon's Call" for the American audience, probably because Merlin got pre-empted by the US Golf Open (yeah, golf).